


Not Waving But Drowning

by la_muerta



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03ep17 Heavenly Fire, M/M, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:51:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_muerta/pseuds/la_muerta
Summary: He knew Alec didn't understand how it felt like for him to lose his magic again, not really. But now that Alec finallydoeshave an inkling of how wretched Magnus feels, it doesn't necessarily mean that it makes him feel any better.Misery shared is not misery halved.





	Not Waving But Drowning

 

He clings onto Alec and he cries until his tears run out, until the sobs that are being wrenched from his very core quieten, and still Alec never lets go. 

Going back downstairs to Alec's room would mean an actual bed and comfortable clothes instead of trying to sleep on the tiny sofa in Alec's office and their fancy dinner wear, but going downstairs also means running the risk of bumping into the other shadowhunters, and Magnus is too tired to pretend tonight. Not that it matters, probably. He doubts that either of them are sleeping much tonight. 

Alec hasn't said a word.  

The truth is, although Magnus is relieved that he won't have to pretend in front of Alec anymore, that relief is tempered by guilt. He saw the hurt on Alec's face when Magnus said that he wasn't happy, and now that misery that has been festering inside Magnus is spreading, another burden on Alec's already overloaded shoulders. Alec said that all he ever wanted was for Magnus to be happy, and Magnus wishes with all his heart that he could just be happy for both their sakes, but it doesn't work that way.  

How does he explain to Alec that it is possible for him to be both happy and sad at the same time, that he _is_ happy when he is with Alec, and that those moments are little bubbles of life-giving oxygen - in a bottomless ocean? If love alone was enough for a person to be happy, Magnus would be the happiest man on earth. But the truth is, a person needs to be needed, not just wanted, and who would need Magnus when he's got no magic to be of any use to anybody? 

The thing is, Magnus has been drowning all his life. He started drowning the moment he found his mother lying in a pool of her own blood. Life has its ups and downs like the waves, and except for that one moment when Magnus went under and got up on the railings of Blackfriars Bridge, Magnus has mostly tried his best to stay afloat. Having friends, lovers, clients, the downworlders he takes under his wings, experiments he's promised himself he'll complete one day, appointments, plans to go here and see that - all these help him stay afloat. But almost all of that has suddenly been ripped out from under him. 

Magnus has been drowning all his life, and he suspects Alec has been drowning too.

They are two drowning men who found each other in the wide ocean, and they keep each other afloat; but Magnus is just deadweight now, and sooner or later he'll pull Alec down with him. If Magnus lets go, he thinks Alec will probably manage. Alec has his siblings to look after, a whole institute to run, and he's young - he'll find someone to love again. But Magnus is still selfish enough to want to stay afloat a little longer, and so he doesn't let go.

He closes his eyes, and concentrates on the rhythm of Alec's heartbeat, steady as always, Magnus' new constant. Don't think about it. Don't think about drowning, because that only makes the swimming harder. Don't think about how there is nothing in the horizon but ocean and more ocean. Being immortal is - was - exhausting, and he won't deny that the idea of growing old with Alec is simultaneously alluring and terrifying. But not having his magic makes him feel like a prisoner in a body that is so out of his control that it doesn't even properly belong to him, and suddenly fifty years is an eternity.

"Magnus?" 

In this moment, Alec sounds so young, and so scared. Don't think about Alec drowning, or of Alec drowning because of him, because as miserable as losing his magic has been, losing Alec is unthinkable. 

He holds Alec a little tighter, and Alec never lets go. 

"Let's just go to sleep." 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from a poem of the same title, by Stevie Smith.


End file.
